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Hi ,
Do you ever find yourself feeling sad? And when you do, what conversation do you have in your head about your sadness? Do you judge it as 'bad' and try distract yourself from it, do you try to numb it, or do you simply acknolwedge it, give yourself permission to feel it and ask yourself what you might learn from it?
I know sadness isn't the usual topic you've come to expect from me but it's one I feel very deeply about. That is, the importance of allowing yourself to feel sad, as the need arises, and the profound price you pay when you don't.
Sadness is not a 'bad' emotion (after all, there is no such thing) though it can often be a painful one because it sadness arises from loss - whether of someone or something (including a loss of circumstances). That's why so many people prefer to avoid, deny or just numb the pain that arises from sadness - through drinking, over eating, over working, drugs, anti-depressants, excessive TV, cleaning, shopping, gambling, exercising or any number of 'distractors' and sedatives - rather than just sit with it. But like any emotion, if we don't own it, it owns us.
Why Sadness Takes Courage & Courage Unleashes Strength
We each have an emotional spectrum as colorful and diverse as every shade in the rainbow. Feeling sadness is as important as fear, anger and joy in allowing us to be the whole, emotionally expressed and fully functioning human beings we were born to be. It is not an indulgent emotion to be felt only by the weak, the self-pitying and those not strong enough to "just get over it" and on with life! Not at all. Rather, as I wrote in chapter 10 of Find Your Courage!:
"Sadness calls for courage; courage to open our hearts to the rawness of life, to feel the extent of our loss and to become fully present to the depth of pain it brings forth."
By having the courage to sit with our sadness we come to realize that it cannot swallow us whole, it cannot kill us and that we are stronger and more resilient than we had given ourselves credit for. The fact is that feeling our sadness can be deeply healing and extra-ordinarily liberating.
Pain Vs Suffering: Sadness Doesn't Infer Suffering
Pain in life is unavoidable. The pain of being rejected or betrayed, losing an unborn child, losing hope in a dream, missing out on a career opportunity or even of just having your youngest child head off to school or college. Suffering, on the other hand, is something distinctly different as it is something we bring on ourselves. We do this when we refuse to legitimize or over-legitimize our loss.
Denying Legitimacy: When we deny or discount a loss it keeps us from experiencing joy. Why? Because when we refuse to feel pain, when we deny our sadness or simply try to numb it, it truncates our capacity to feel its direct opposite, to truly know joy.
Our western cultures' growing aversion to feeling sadness (or any unpleasant emotion) has taken the innate 'seek pleasure/avoid pain' drive to new levels. But it has done so a steep price: missed opportunity to find meaning in life, to feel compassion, to know the joy we all crave and to evolve in our own humanity.
As my coaching colleague Camille Preston recently shared with me "Emotions are a continuum of highs and lows - if we cut off our 'low' emotions - we lose the ability to feel the 'high' emotions". Often, what ends up happening is people get stuck in perpetual pursuit of their next 'high' as they try to fill the void. Like Yin & Yang you cannot have all of one emotion and none of another.
Over Legitimizing: Likewise, we over-legitimize loss when we wallow martyr-like in our sadness. In the end people become consumed by grief and self-pity to the point of disfunction, unable to experience joy and more committed to their misery than to their happiness. Depression often occurs not from sadness but from our resistance to it.
Choosing either path - denying the legitimacy of a loss or over-legitimizing it - produces suffering on some level. Whilst we can't always choose our experiences in life, we can always choose our experience of life. Ask Viktor Frankl, who lost his entire family in the holocaust and went on to live a life of extra-ordinary meaning, purpose and joy in the presence of his sadness.
Our fear of feeling to the core of our feelings - whether they be sadness, resentment, anger, jealousy or grief - keeps us from being as powerful in our lives as we can be. So allowing yourself to feel sadness does not mean you are sentencing yourself to a life of self-indulgent misery, tears and suffering. Not at all! Rather, when you reflect on your losses and get present to any residual sadness that's been left unacknowledged, you open your heart to release suffering and grow your capacity to experience love, joy, compassion, meaning, and gratitude on deeper levels than before.
The Importance of Sharing Your Sadness
The more we open our hearts to others - sharing our heartaches, fears, sorrows and joys alike - the more meaningful our relationships can become. Too often though, people resist sharing their pain and sadness. Rather than own it they slap on a smile and greet the world with a big happy face. However, when we keep things to ourselves we are denying others the opportunity to love us, to care for us, to support us and to share in our pain and to become more deeply connected to us.
Of course I'm not advocating that you break down in a sobbing mess to your mailman or hairdresser. I am simply saying that it's important to share how you feel with those you trust. Sure sharing 'fun times' with friends is wonderful, but sharing yourself during 'not so fun' times can enrich your relationships immeasurably more. Whenever someone shares their pain or loss with me, it provides me the opportunity to express my love for them in ways I couldn't otherwise. This, in its own way, is a gift and honor to me.
No Time Like The Present
And what about you? What sadness have you failed to fully acknowledge that could be standing in the way of you enjoying a greater sense of meaning in your life, deeper friendships and more joy? If my words have resonated with you on some level then I really encourage you to take the time to do the exercise below - taken from Chapter 10 of Find Your Courage! which explores more fully each of the emotions which keep us from living life wholeheartedly. It could be very healing and helpful to you.
As I sign off this month, I invite you to share with me your thoughts, questions and experiences. If I can be of service to you in deepening your learning - about yourself and this mysterious experience we call life - it would be my great honor.
As always, Live Boldly, Shine Brightly!
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