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Live Your Greatest Life’ eNewsletter is written by Margie Warrell, a Life Coach, speaker and writer who is passionate about empowering people to live lives they love. 
 ‘It’s my firm belief that to live a life you truly love you must be your own person, run your own show and free yourself from the chains that bond you to “what others might think” about you.
If you often find yourself overcommitted, saying yes when you’d rather say no; if you’re not speaking up about issues to avoid causing conflict, offense or ruffling feathers; if you’re always trying to ‘fit in’; if you’re often doing things primarily to gain admiration; or, if you’re not doing things to avoid criticism, then this month’s newsletter is for you!
My intention for you is to express yourself authentically and to replace your need to please or impress others with your desire to simply BE WHO YOU ARE! And hey, what a fabulous person that is!
Enjoy, I hope this newsletter pleases you (haha) and if it does, pass it on!
Margie
Liberate Yourself From Others Opinions
By Margie Warrell
Too often we let what others may think about us determine how we will behave. You may not class yourself as a full fledged ‘people pleaser’ but that may be because you have a limited definition of what it is to be one. You must be the judge of that (see MINI QUIZ below). It is however, a common affliction that only those who’ve become aware of its menacing in their life, can ever rise above it
Being a people pleaser goes a lot deeper than just trying to ‘please’ another which is obviously not a bad thing at all. The issue with being a People Pleaser is that it requires compromising one’s own integrity or authentic self expression, even on the subtlest of levels. It impacts what we do, way and think and ultimately who we are as behave in ways that either:
i) please – e.g. to be liked, accepted, approved of, admired, popular, valued, be non-threatening
ii) avoid displeasing – e.g. to avoid rejection, criticism, disappointing another, ruffling someone’s feathers, creating conflict
It’s Driven By Our Core Desire to Belong, And Our Greatest Fear, Rejection!
The core driver behind our People Pleasing is to be approved of. That’s an fundamental desire of every human being, to belong and to avoid our greatest fear, to be rejected. We’re all wired to avoid emotional discomfort of any kind, regardless of the cost. The issue with being a people pleaser is that you sell out on your SELF and usually come up with a justification for why you did so. The truth can be uncomfortable to admit sometimes.
People Pleasers Can Never Please Enough!
To make it worse, despite the enormous amounts of energy and time you might spend trying to gain admiration and approval from others, it is never be enough!!! Why? Because if you are seeking approval outside of yourself it will be a long and fruitless search. Sure you’ll get a quick hit of gratification here and there as others sing your praises, but once that moment has past you’ll be back on the people pleasing bandwagon in need of your next hit.
You Cannot Truly Please Yourself If You’re Forever Pleasing Others
If you choose to live your life (and it is YOUR CHOICE) doing what others think you should do, thinking what others think you should think, saying only what you feel it is safe to say, or being who others think you should be, there’s zero chance of ever having what you really want in your life. Zilch! You’re selling out on yourself in the most profound way and completely limiting your experience of being alive in the world.
For instance, in a relationship where one partner continually compromises what they want in order to ‘keep the peace’ and avoid conflict and keep the appearance of domestic bliss. In the long run, the resentment will build until it eventually expresses itself in less blissful ways.
A Guide To Being Your Own Person
1 – Identify The Cost
Only when we’re present to the impact our seeking validation through others can have in our lives will we be able to address it. So, what is it costing you to be dependent on others to feel good about yourself. Is it your dreams, your sanity, your sense of integrity, your peace of mind, your authentic self expression? If you’re not sure then try answering this question (very honestly!) which may be very revealing for you:
If you had ABSOLUTELY no issue at all about what others might think or say about you, what would you be doing and, just as importantly, what would you NOT be doing?
2 – Identify Those Whose Opinions Run Your Life
Is there someone in your life who you find yourself constantly trying to please or impress? Or, perhaps someone you’re forever trying to avoid causing offense to or displeasing? Who is it that you look to for approval? Do they always have more than their fair share of opinions about how you’re living you’re life? Do you feel weak at the knees about behaving contrary to how they think you should?
Most of us have at least one person like this in our life. Often they are disguised as friends but the truth is that real friends encourage us to express ourselves fully and to do the things that inspire us. True friends are okay when we don’t agree with their opinions, we can easily say ‘no’ to them. We don’t have to step on egg shell every time we’re with them or bend over backwards so as to avoid their wrath.
3 – Reclaim The Power You’ve Given Them
When we let others opinions determine our behavior or happiness, we are giving them power in our lives. Don’t let others opinions determine who you’ll be or how you’ll feel about yourself. If a so called ‘friendship’ is no longer serving you, it may be time to let it go. Though there may be things you’ll miss about these friendships, you will still be far better off without their domineering presence in your life. Truly! For those people who you can’t ‘let go’ you just have to make a choice not to let them, and their opinions, determine who you’ll be in the world.
4 – See Criticism For What It Is
When people are negative about you it usually about how it makes them feel about their choices (whether they’re conscious of it or not). It’s not about you at all. Ask yourself “Why do they have a need to say this to me?”. It’s likely because it makes them feel better to put you down. After all, when we judge others we’re saying a heck of a lot more about ourselves (our values, our choices) than we are about those we judge.
So just as you - and only you - are responsible for your success and happiness, everyone else is responsible for theirs. Don’t let people lay some guilt trip on you and stop you doing what you know is right and true for you. Likewise don’t sell out on yourself by being a ‘lesser’ you so as to avoid being threatening to others or rufflling a few peoples feathers here and there.
5 – Be Your Own Person
Let go of your need to prove yourself to anyone!! DEFINE YOURSELF. SPEAK YOUR TRUTH. Ultimately you have to make the decision to DO what you want to do, to SAY what you wan to say and BE who you want to be regardless of whether or not it may displease some people or cause others to criticize you.
If you stop saying ‘yes’ to everyone and start expressing how you really feel be prepared. Some may not like the unsuppressed authentic you. But what others say about you is really none of your business! To use a Pigeon English phrase I picked up whilst living in Papua New Guinea, if you being YOU isn’t pleasing to someone else, PROBLEM BILONG EM!
6 – Keep Working At It!
Being attached to others opinions and letting go your need to prove yourself is not something you just ‘get over’ by reading an article like this (as much as I’d like to think you could but that’s where coaching can help). It’s an ongoing, life long, endeavor but one that you get better at with practice!
Being conscious of what is driving your behaviour is the first crucial step. From here on, HONESTLY ask yourself whether or not you’re doing what you’re doing for the right reasons - whether your behavior is aligned with the authentic you - and then adjust accordingly. You have all the courage you need just waiting to be called upon to reclaim back the power you’ve been giving to others opinions and to design your life to be the way YOU (and not others) want to live it.
BE BOLD, BE FABULOUS, BE YOU!!!
Action Challenges
1. Take the Mini Quiz Below to see how strong your need is to prove yourself to others, be liked or simply avoid the possibility of someone criticizing you. Oh, shudder the thought!
2. Try responding with a gracious ‘no’ to a request or offer than comes your way this week that your heart isn’t in (For more on how you can do that see my March 04 newsletter at www.margiewarrell.com/resources.php)
3. Do one thing you’d really love to do for yourself over the next week, regardless of what others might think about it.
4. When you’re next feeling pressured to act in a way that’s expected of you, ask yourself “What would I do now if I had no need for the approval of others?” Act on your answer.
PEOPLE PLEASING MINI QUIZ
1. Do you regularly do things because you feel it is expected of you rather than because you really want to do it?
2. Do you often make a ‘song and dance’ about what you’ve been up to so that people will be impressed by your accomplishments?
3. Do you often say yes to things you’d really rather not do because you don’t want to disappoint people?
4. Is there something you’d like to do for yourself but you don’t because you’re too busy doing things for everyone else?
5. Are you constantly the ‘peacemaker’ in your home or office, doing whatever it takes to avoid conflict and ensure everyone is happy?
6. Do you often say yes when you want to say no?
7. Are you afraid of expressing your opinion if you think it might differ to that of those around you, possibly creating conflict or causing offense?
8. Is there something you’d really love to do but you think your friends/ family/ colleagues would be critical of it and so you do nothing?
9. Do you not share some of your dreams because you think other might think “who are you to aspire to do/be that?”?
10. Do you admire people who are more assertive but the very idea of speaking up about what you want and feel is right, possibly drawing the attention of others, makes you shudder to your core?
How did you score? The more YES responses, the more you’re behaviour is being determined by the opinions of others. It may be all you’ve ever known but give some thought to how much that is limiting your experience of life.
“Crucial Conversations: Tools for Talking when the stakes are high” K. Patterson, J. Grenny, R McMillan etal
If you’re prone to either staying silent or getting emotional or aggressive about important issues then I strongly encourage you to invest in this really terrific book. It provides you with very practical tools and strategies to handle life’s most difficult and important conversations.
“The Hard Questions For An Authentic Life” by Susan Piver. A thought provoking guide to approaching life’s many questions with integrity. Challenges you to get real about how you may be selling out on yourself.
www.getinspirednow.com Take a minute to treat yourself to their beautiful presentations which you can also purchase as screen savers. It will nourish your spirit (and we can all do with some of that!)
Margie is available to do key-note and workshops in your organization or association. Please contact her for a summary of her key speaking topics. For speaking testimonials please visit www.margiewarrell.com
Upcoming Speaking Engagements:
• 13th Sept – National Association Of Women Business Owners (NAWBO); “Talk is Cheap Until… - 7 keys to communicate best when it matters most”
All Welcome. 11.30 -1pm. 42nd fl, City Place, RSVP 214 428 7475 www.nawbotx.org
• 14th Sept – Mothers And More Association; “Mom’s Need Time Out Too!”
All Busy Moms Welcome. 7pm Schimepfenig Library Room, Plano www.mothersandmore.org
• 16th Sept – Los Colinas Professional Women’s Networking Breakfast; “Finding Balance In A Busy Life”; 7.30am. All Professional Women Welcome. Lacima Club www.lacimaclub.com
• 16th Sept – Southern Methodist University (SMU) Fall Lecture Series; “The Balancing Act”
11.45 Blue Mesa Grill, Plano. All Welcome. To register phone 214 – 768 8446 or go to
www.professional.smu.edu
• 21st Sept – Verizon HR Managers National Conference; “Success Through Balance”
• 11th Oct – Dallas Mom’s of Twins and Triplets; “Mom’s Need Time Out Too!”
• 12th Oct - American Airlines, Parents AAt Work Association; “The Balancing Act” .
For more information about Margie Warrell, please click here, or visit the Web site at http://www.margiewarrell.com. | 
