July 2005 eNewsletter



‘Live Your Greatest Life’ eNewsletter is written by Margie Warrell, a Life Coach, speaker and writer who is passionate about empowering people to live lives they love. The eNewsletter is designed to inspire, challenge and support you in being your greatest in life – to doing what you love better, with more success, balance and much less stress.

Margie Warrell International encourages you to invest a few minutes in yourself in the midst of your busy day to read this newsletter. Regardless of where you are now in your life we hope you find something of value in it. Perhaps you might identify some beliefs of your own that are limiting you and in doing so be able to move forward toward being the person and living the life you would love.

May you have a wonderful day!




How Well Do You Speak Up About The Things That Get You Down?
By Margie Warrell

 When you find yourself feeling annoyed, frustrated, angry or resentful with someone you likely have a tendency to react in one of two ways:

A. To say nothing, pretend everything is okay or perhaps dish out the ‘silent treatment’ (whilst inwardly you brew on it or complain about it to anyone but the person involved)

B. To blow your top at the other person so that they know, in no uncertain terms, that you are not a happy camper and/or that you think they are stupid /selfish / incompetent / irresponsible or “all of the above”

It will likely come as no surprise to you to learn that neither approach is very helpful in resolving an issue and that both approaches can be detrimental to your relationships and your stress levels. At the end of the day, what isn’t talked out is acted out, whether in snide remarks or innuendos or at the other extreme, with someone literally packing up their bags or office and walking out the door (or short of that, psychologically checking out!).

But there is another way.

It is absolutely possible to speak up about something that is getting you down in ways that build, rather than undermine the quality of your relationship with the other person. Following are 9 important keys to help you have more fruitful and effective conversations.

1. Put Your Ego In It’s Box
Your ego is only concerned with you ‘looking good’ (or avoiding looking bad!). However, when your ego is at the helm driving you to win or prove you’re right then, by default, it requires that someone else has to lose or be wrong. Likewise if you choose to play it safe - avoiding any possibility of humiliation and the discomfort of confrontation - then the issue will stay underground and fester.

To be effective in resolving an issue you need to put your ego in its box and connect with your heart to clarify what you really want to achieve for yourself and for the relationship. Avoid discussing the content of an issue until you find a mutual goal to keep your sights - and the conversation - focused on. Putting your need to win or to play safe secondary to your need to do what your heart knows is right is the key. Ultimately this requires both an act of humility and an act of courage on your part. Yes, you do may have to give up the temporary hit to your ego along the way but the benefits will be well worth it.

2 . Build Trust
Nothing kills conversation like fear and mistrust. Fear of humiliation or attack causes others to move to violence or silence, to fight or flight. Trust and respect dissipate fear. Take responsibility for your behavior and apologize when you have done something which undermines trust or respect or caused offense. If there has been a misunderstanding about something use contrasting ‘do’ and ‘don’t’ statements to clarify any previous misinterpretations. For example “I do think that you bring a lot of great skills to this group. I don’t want you to feel I’m not appreciative of how much effort you are putting in”.

3. Be Open To Alternative Views
You don’t see the world as it is, but as you are. As humans we exist in the stories that we have made up to make sense of the world. Your opinions and beliefs about yourself, others and the world can roadblock fruitful communication. Be conscious of your own self talk which can undermine your ability to manage a situation effectively and achieve what you want most.

Avoid the blame game and take responsibility for where you find yourself. Be vigilant of ‘victim’ and ‘villain’ stories and over-generalizing. Actively seek evidence that contradicts your views. Open your heart and mind to the idea that there are alternative ways of seeing something. You do not own “the truth”, just your opinion of it.

Be willing to change your opinion. Through conversation you can bridge the gap between perspectives and bring people closer to a shared understanding.

4. Be Body Wise
Why is it that upon meeting someone new they can make you feel either immediately relaxed and comfortable or immediately tense and on guard without even saying a word? I’ll tell you why. It’s because our way of ‘being’ speaks more loudly than our words. Likewise, your non-verbal communication can completely undermine your verbal if you are not mindful of it. Consider how your ‘way of being’ affects others and whether it makes them feel comfortable sharing with you or positively uncomfortable. What message is your non-verbal communicating? Do you resemble a bulldog poised for attack or a doormat waiting to be trodden all over? Hold yourself as someone with self-confidence would, have an open posture, maintain eye contact, smile and nod as appropriate.

5. Listen Powerfully
This was the focus of last month’s newsletter. In summary, listen with the intention to understand, not to reply. Listen beyond the words they are speaking – what are they not saying? Why not? Adopt a mood of curiosity. Never criticize their views nor interrupt with your own conflicting ones.

6. Manage Emotions - Yours and Theirs!
You emote before you reason. Emotions are central to the human condition and so you cannot not experience emotion. You can however choose how you respond to your emotions (as distinct from reacting). Only by becoming conscious of your emotional state and learning to manage your own emotions well can you effectively respond to other people’s emotions or pursue productive and fruitful dialogue with them. If you or someone else becomes really angry or upset, be patient as the adrenalin levels out again.

Getting outdoors can really shift the space of a conversation, particularly if it’s an emotional one. Be mindful of the timing for the right conversation at the wrong time is the wrong conversation!

7. Speak To The Listening
The meaning of communication is not defined by what is being said, but by what is being heard. The only way to influence or persuade someone is to speak to the context from which they are listening.

Be confident in your demeanor– neither forceful nor self evasive – treating people with respect and dignity (yes, you can still respect the person’s humanity even if you don’t respect their behavior or choices). If you feel awkward, nervous or uncomfortable, just share it. Be authentic.
Begin with the facts first then tentatively share your ‘story’ using language that allows for other possibilities, e.g. “It appears to me that you are not interested in fulfilling your commitments …” rather than “The fact is you are obviously an incompetent twit”. You are guaranteed to offend someone if you present your opinions and interpretations as the truth.
Make “I” statements to describe how you feel (e.g. “When you making disparaging remarks about my work/cooking/weight etc feel as though you don’t value my contribution / care about my feelings”, “when you repeatedly turn up late for work I feel that you are not committed to your job here”.
If appropriate, ask them how they would feel if they were in your shoes.
Stay mindful of your ultimate goal or intention and resist the urge to prove your rightness (or their wrongness) or superiority (or their lack of it!). Avoid speaking in absolutes – they undermine what you are trying to ay, e.g. “You never show me any appreciation!” or “You always take credit with management for the stuff I do”. Never and always are mighty strong words.
Ask for their help to resolve an issue “I’d really appreciate your help in working through the obviously problems with have with our procedures here in the office”
Invite speculation about how to achieve your mutual goal or intention “What do you feel would be the ideal solution to this problem?” “If we could create the ideal relationship, what would it be like for you?”

8. Commit To Action
Nothing changes if nothing changes. If you can’t reach resolution at least commit to remaining in dialogue (and schedule it). In situations where there is not equality in the decision making, distinguish dialogue and decision making up front to avoid violated expectations.

Be very clear in the requests and commitments you make – specify exactly what must be done and by when. Avoid “slippery promises” with grey responses such as “That should be okay”. It either is or it isn’t – find out when they will know for sure one way or another.

Don’t make commitments you aren’t willing or able to keep (e.g. Don’t offer to give someone a call if you aren’t serious about giving them a call!). When declining a request or offer distinguish between the person you are saying no to and what they are asking of you. Do not compromise the integrity of your commitments nor accept any less from others. Ultimately you get what you tolerate, so just as you keep your word, hold others accountable to theirs.

9. Seek Progress, Not Perfection
The only way to become skilled in difficult conversations, or any type of conversation, is by having them! No-one is born with mastery of communication skills but like all skills, those required to become an effective communicator can be learned with ongoing commitment and practice.

Begin wherever you are right now. Invest time up front to prepare, rehearse and visualize the conversation going smoothly. It is time very well spent. Don’t wait to feel masterful before you begin the conversations to address that are undermining your happiness and creating stress. Perfection paralyzes.

You owe it to yourself to express your opinions. Playing safe is selling out on yourself and your sense of integrity which requires you to express yourself authentically whilst honoring the dignity of every human. Your conversations will not always go as you hope but they will always provide valuable experience and lessons to help you develop your skills – if you look for them!

By being a person of integrity and consistently behaving in ways that build trust and respect you will be able to speak your truth to others whilst still building your relationships. Be mindful of the profound cost of playing safe – on your career (and income), in your personal relationships, on your health and last but not least, on your peace of mind and ability to enjoy your life fully!

In conversations as in life, you are capable of more than you think you are. You have all the courage and the potential inside you to achieve what you want in your career, relationships and life. Get talking!

Margie is available to do key-note and workshops in your organization or association. Please contact her for a summary of her key speaking topics. For speaking testimonials please visit www.margiewarrell.com.



For more information about Margie Warrell, please click here, or visit the Web site at http://www.margiewarrell.com.